Gather Your Party

This is what you want to own.

I’m the best gamer in the world. I’ve never won any competitions, because I’m usually banned for cheating. It’s not that I cheat, mind you, it’s that no one believes I can actually be that good at videogames. No genre is safe from me: FPS, RTS, Fighters, Stealth, MMO, MOBA, Visual Novels, RPGS, Racing games, etc. are all easy for me. I’m going to give you a few pointers so you can hope to be almost as good as me. Almost. Important points have been bolded, italicized or underlined. I suggest printing out this entire article and highlighting or circling everything you think is important as well. Which is everything, since everything I say is important.

First, you want to know how to properly prepare for a game. Obviously you’ll prepare a bit differently for each genre, but there are a few common things you should do regardless of what game you’re about to destroy. Get a good night’s rest; 14 hours should suffice, but I’d suggest at least 18 if you’re doing a tournament. You know how you’ll be stuck at a part in a game, go to sleep, and the next day you pass that part perfectly on your first try? That’s because your brain figured out all the work for you while you slept. With nothing else to do, your brain found a way to demolish that challenge. Of course, your brain can’t learn how to beat a game that it never played, so be sure to play exactly 25 minutes of the game, including the time it takes to navigate the menu screen. 25 minutes is enough time to get your brain started, regardless of what game it is. However, if the full 25 minutes is just cutscenes, then you won’t be able to create strategies in your sleep. Luckily, games that start off with 25 minutes of cutscenes are usually some form of JRPG, and they are always extremely easy anyways.

You’ll also want to eat properly. Before, during and after playing a game, eat nothing but “gamer” food. If it’s marketed as gamer food, get it. This food is packed with all kinds of hard to pronounce ingredients that make you into a better player. The best part is that the food is already prepared, so you don’t need to waste time or energy cooking.

I seriously hope you guys don’t eat like a noob.

You’re going to want proper equipment as well. You should always try to play every game you have on a computer, because then you can browse the internet for gardening tips during loading screens and in-between multiplayer rounds. Some people think that an Alienware or an Apple computer are great for gaming, but they’re wrong. Look at the quality of the hardware and the price; you’re paying two thousand dollars for something that’s barely worth 500. You’ll want a big O computer; it’s 16000 dollars, and has an Xbox inside the computer. Not only is this convenient for playing console games at your desk, but it will strike fear into the heart of everyone at any LAN party you go to. The guy that buys parts for 800 dollars and builds a fantastic PC is knowledgeable, but the man that spends 16000 on a prebuilt is force to be reckoned with. It shows that you’re not afraid of taking risks  or being ridiculed, just like high rollers at the Baccarat table.

This is the face of a defrag champion.

All you need to do now is actually buy the games and then play them. Buying a game is easy, but knowing where to buy from and what game to get can be hard. The correct thing to do is wait for a steam sale and then buy every single thing that goes on the daily deal, even if you don’t actually want it. Tens of thousands of people do this every single time a steam sale occurs. Use GOG to buy any game that isn’t on steam, such as RollerCoasterTycoon and Legend of Grimrock. If a game isn’t on either service, then it isn’t good. The only exceptions are free games, which are always good.

I blame Gabe Newell.

                These are just some basic tips for how to be a great player. I’ll go more in depth in the next article, where we cover some more advanced strategies. So as to give you an idea of what to expect, I’ll give you a few tips on how to be good at Counterstrike. Contrary to popular belief, the best weapon is not the AWP. The AWP only has ten bullets, a slow reload, slow fire rate, large movement penalty, and more. The only upside is that it does a lot of damage, but every gun is a one hit kill if you get a headshot. As such, you should use the M249. It has one hundred bullets per clip, which means you can kill 100 enemies without reloading. Regular tournament matches are 5 vs. 5, and end after one team wins 15 rounds, so you should be able to kill the entire enemy team for every round without needing to reload once. It’s OK if you’re not at that level yet, since you’re still learning. Really good players will be able to kill multiple people with one bullet. A great tactic to use is to look up in the air while approaching an enemy. He will look up to see what you’re staring at, which will distract him long enough for you to kill him. Sometimes, I will not buy a gun and use one I pick up from a dead enemy. That way when his teammates hear the gunshots, they’ll just assume that I’m a friendly and not their grim reaper. Deceit and trickery is the best way to win any game.

This is some high class play.

Next week, we’ll look at RTS and fighting games (the other two main competitive genres), and delve deeper into the FPS genre. Also, we’ll understand the importance of having a muse. See how that’s underlines, italicized and bolded? It’s because it’s extremely important.