Gather Your Party

If you’re at all familiar with the iOS app store then you’re aware that reviews exist.  Download an app and you can leave a review for it.  I guess in a world where everyone’s opinion is supposed to matter this is seen as fair.  Political correctness, or whatever you want to call it aside, this results in some pretty darn funny stuff.

Enter the boxing match of the app store:

Innnnnnn the blue trunks we have any number of game developers!  Some are upstanding and want to make a great product, some are shadier then the shadow cast by a fat man’s wheelchair at midnight!  In the red shorts are the masses.  Dim witted and frothing at the mouth!

Let’s watch!

Riding on the recent release of Pixar’s Brave the Temple Run guys and Disney teamed up to make Temple Run:  Brave.  You run down narrow paths with a never-tiring bear on your butt.  At least that’s what it seems to be (I haven’t played it).  Riding the release of that we get…  Escape Bear (free).  Yes.  That is the title.  The icon even looks a lot like the Temple Run:  Brave one.  Look at this creativity!

It’s easy to see how a small child might be confused between the two.  Heck, I could see even my own mother getting the two confused.  Bless her heart, but she called all game systems a Playstation.  ”You’re grounded!  No more of that Final Fantasy Goldeneye on the Playstation for a week!”  Ok, sure mom, I’ll never play it again–teehee.

Here we see some user reviews of Escape Bear.

Meggzi7 says what happens to the “…poor escape near is cringe-worthy.”  Interesting.  Airbender gives the game a full 13 thumbs down.  Look out Ebert, Airbender has you beat on the thumbs by a full eleven!

Moving on.

Next up we’ve got Little Fox Music Box (free, for this week).  Just take a second and soak up the joy this little guy is about to bless you with.

Just look at that whimsical fox!  That rambunctious grin.  That strange grip on his guitar of happiness (I believe that is the official name of all woodland creatures instruments).  His adorable cross eyes.  And that ascot!  A fox with an ascot!  How cute!  But not so fast, says Ktgurr back on the 30th of June.

Whoa.  Subliminal messages from that fox?  You know what?  I think I can see something else in those eyes.  If eyes are portals to the soul I see a black pit.  I think Ktgurr is on to something.

Let’s leave this spooky forest of songs that fuel nightmares.  Let’s go…

Save the Titanic (free)!  Now that’s a game just about anyone could love!  What could possibly go wrong?  We’ll be saving people, helping the boat avoid certain doom, and slitting wrists!

Holy… WHAT?!  An iOS game about saving lives made bob bob want to slit his wrists!  Dear me!  And Gab_girl sees the faces of every single person that died that day.  The “millions” that died that day.  I knew the Titanic was a big boat, but I never realized just how many people died that day.  Thanks to Gab_girl, I now know.

AnimalCraft ($1.99) sounds like it must be cute.  You–what?–craft animals, right?  Sounds soothing.  Calming.  Relaxing.  So nice.  Feel the need to call in your family and …  Well, I’ll let JumboKitten say it.

Ouch!  Brutal!  (I’d like to know how Pauly D got ripped off three times by the same company…)  jaxsim16 is planning to sue and kill these guys, that’s harsh, real harsh.  You’ve got to love JumboKitten though.  These devs might not even be worth his time.  He has better things to do.  So instead of bothering himself he might just call in his family to “attack them.”  Sounds like a wild bunch!

CartoonCraft ($1.99) is yet another ‘craft’ game that seems to cause nothing but the darkest sides of people to shine through.  To a level the other four games above haven’t even reached.

Before I show you what Legolandon has to say I want to wish you a happy 4th of July.  Go shoot off some fireworks.  Let off some stress.  Just… please, avoid Mr. Legolandon’s following advice.